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My Family Care asks Harriet: Not all families are better together, but becoming a single parent is a huge commitment. Whether you take care of your children full time or make sure you spend as much time as possible with them, what have you found the challenges and rewards of single parenting to be?
Better apart
When I ended my marriage, I didn't think for a minute what single parenting would be like. All I knew was that the marriage had become desperately unhappy, and it was clear that my children, my ex - and I - would be happier as two families. It was an emotional decision that has proved to be 110% correct; we are all genuinely so much happier now.
So, what is being a single parent actually like? It's beautiful, rewarding, exhausting, claustrophobic, and pressured - plus, it makes you become a creative mastermind when it comes to childcare and backup plans.
The struggles are real
In the beginning, I found the emotional side of being alone the hardest. No one asked me 'how my day was' on a regular basis and adult conversation became something I craved. No one noticed that I was looking tired, or annoyed, or happy and no one asked why. Knowing I had no-one to back me up was hard.
Sunday nights were my lowest point; I had no one to chill out on the sofa with, debrief from the week just passed or plan the week ahead. If I was feeling overwhelmed and needed a break, or wanted a co-pilot to come up with and hold the boundaries on discipline and reward strategies together, I was on my own. To be honest somedays I just wanted someone else to unload the dishwasher or do the early shift after a late night!
Life after marriage
A few years down the line, the emotional bit is much smoother; I have deepened and broadened my support network of girlfriends and my parents are closer than ever. But most importantly, I have become really good at letting others in and asking someone to listen.
The challenges I face are now more practical, especially as I run my own coaching business from home. Largely, I have it sorted - but sometimes things don't go to plan - i.e. someone is sick, sleep is in short supply or I'm running late and I can't get to school on time for pickup.
It's become essential to think ahead and plan pre-emptively. I now have a live in au pair who rivals my black belt in flexibility. I have developed a network of other mums locally I can call on if I need to when I'm running late, just as they can call on me. Keeping tabs on the normal day-to-day practicalities has become a 'list on the fridge' way of life.
Oh, how things have changed
I've transformed my formerly low Sunday nights into a highpoint. We've created a new family ritual that involves a sleepover party with camp beds in my room, and we all read stories, laugh and cuddle together before we sleep. The week ends, and then starts again full of love, happiness and togetherness.
And the answer to the missing out on the daily updates or someone to ask how I am? I eat supper with the children every day - no matter how busy work is - and we go around the table and each answer the question 'how was your day?' We all hear about the highs and lows, the challenges, playground fun and fights, the exciting things that happened in science class or whatever else is important.
It's a beautiful moment and the boys now take far more interest in me and each other than they used to. It also helps me to be fully present and aware of how the boys are on a day to day basis - something that I realised early on would be vital once there wasn't another person around to also notice the nuances of daily life.
The true beauty of singledom
One of the greatest rewards is allowing myself to feel proud of how much I am accomplishing on my own. I'm the one that holds it all together, knows the boys best, empowers them with cool tools to handle their emotions or tricky situations as they grow, and hugs them goodnight.
And the greatest single parenting upside? If I'm the only one that makes the rules, I can decide spontaneously if we're all going to break them... So, ice cream on the sofa before homework because we've all had a tough day? Let's do it, and have seconds, too!
Harriet Waley-Cohen, Coach and Founder, Get The Wellness Edge
