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My Family Care asks Maria: How does raising a child with disabilities or differences change the way you parent? What difficulties have you faced, what solutions have you discovered, and, at the end of the day, what makes your bond with your child special?
Amazing relationships
I've worked as a teaching assistant in a class for children with special needs for a few years, and one of the things that always amazes me is the relationships between the children and their parents.
Just like every parent-child relationship, no two are the same. There are ups and downs, moments of sheer pride and moments where pulling your hair out seems the only options. But there are common traits that appear more developed in parents with children who have special needs - namely patience and strength.
Extra considerations
Every parent needs to be patient as their children learn how to "be" in the world around them, but when a child has special needs, this trait is even more important.
Some children with special needs develop at a different pace and, in many cases, reach milestones well after their contemporaries, if at all. Getting dressed in the morning may be something you take for granted, but the parent of a child with special needs may live every day knowing that their child will never be able to do this by themselves. Simple things like taking the family for a walk or nipping to the store for milk can mean packing extra equipment and planning with precision.
Depending on the level of needs, evenings out may not be an option and learning to deal with other people's ignorance can be exhausting. Passing children ask innocent questions, some people either support or pity you, and others are downright rude. As a parent of a special needs child, you know your child will be different - will they grow up and go to university? Get a job? Meet their soulmate? Have their own families?
A steep learning curve
I can't tell you how many parents I've given a hug to, and told them they are doing a wonderful job. The doubt I have seen from parents of children with special needs is incredible. Parents often doubt their abilities when their child isn't progressing, or developing the way they were expected to. They end up blaming themselves and question what they could have done differently, and, in my experience, are harder on themselves than anyone else.
As parents learn more and more about their child's condition and how they can help them, it gets easier - I know the not knowing how to help or what to expect can be the hardest part. Once there is a level of awareness, both parent and child can adapt their behaviour in slight or significant ways.
In many cases, life will never get easier, but in some cases, there are unexpected miracles, and as a teacher these moments are phenomenal. Watching a child write their name when they were never expected to, and sharing that joy with their parent is one of the reasons I do this job.
Networking and support
There are charities and support groups out there to help children with special needs and their families, from Scope to The Children's Trust. I would advise any parent to develop a network of people they can depend on, but even more so when their child has special needs. In many cases, there is no time off, and no real chance to look to the future for the day they will move out on their own, and this can be exhausting.
I have seen a number of parents reach the end of their ropes, for the simple fact that they don't take care of themselves. This is where a network comes in. Even a few hours to yourself once a week can put the smile back on their faces.
Maria Gil, Educator
