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My Family Care asks Penny: As the holidays are upon us, we often take a ride on an emotional rollercoaster. How can we leave 2015 focusing on the positives rather than dwelling on the negatives?
Christmas comes but once a year... thank goodness
Picture the scene: finally the children are about to break up for the holidays - yay! But, before I get that far, there are still teachers' presents to buy, school carol services to attend, costume to make (or buy in my case), parent drinks parties to attend and be jolly at (it is the season after all), and that's just for one child, I have four!
On top of the parental commitments, there are also the office parties to attend, colleagues' Christmas presents to buy, and the effort of trying to clear the desk before the real family fun begins.
The weight of expectation
Which brings me on to the weight of expectation, excluding the irritations of Great Aunt Mildred or the vegan, vegetarian, tree-hugging cousin (as much as I admire her principles):
- Father Christmas needs to surpass all other years - which is tricky as every year he needs to surpass all other years
- The food on Christmas Day needs to be perfect
- The presents need to be wrapped
- And, as the perfect host, I must look and act the part - think Bree in Desperate Housewives.
Back down to Earth
Unsurprisingly, reality strikes and the Turkey tastes like a dried up bird; Father Christmas has sunk to new depths with his gender mix-ups; Great Aunt Mildred has pushed too far with her comments of how much better things were in her day with her thoughtful gift of a Christmas Cookbook entitled 'How to Get It Right This Year'; and the small box under the tree that you were rather hoping was blue with a ribbon and full of something sparkly, was in fact a pair of the latest leading technological earplugs from your considerate beloved.
That feeling of failure begins to seep in. This of course leads to an inevitable love affair with a bottle of vino... paired with a few moments of solitude in the kitchen, shoveling down your fiftieth mince pie. You can imagine the feelings of self-revulsion that need to be dealt with after that.
Christmas is a contained period, but if we look at Christmas as a microcosm of the entire year it's possible to use it as a framework for principles to be applied throughout the year. The following points are specifically aimed at Christmas but, whilst reading them through, it is possible to see how much sense they make regardless of the time of year.
Consider your expectations
Christmas, in particular, is loaded with expectations. We all want to recreate the perfect holiday season and, when we inevitably fail, this can lead us to feeling empty and unfulfilled, as well as a failure if you happen to be hosting.
Does your perfect day - like mine - consist of the perfect table, perfect music, and perfect tree? Are you hoping for peace on Earth and, particularly, under your own roof? Do you want your children to be cheerful, patient, thoughtful, helpful? Indeed, if your children are like that from January to November, you may be in with a chance, otherwise you're doomed.
We all think other families have the perfect Christmases and, as we all know, social media doesn't help! Life isn't perfect for anybody and our own expectations can drag us down. Remember, people are more likely to post perfect pics on Facebook rather than Christmas fails. 'Family' has many definitions and shapes. Embrace yours.
Make time for what's important
The four main things children want:
- A relaxed and loving time with their family
- Realistic expectations about presents
- An evenly paced holiday season
- Reliable family traditions.
It's not difficult to give your children these things if you prepare in advance for them. This may mean taking your foot off the "perfect" pedal and taking a few short cuts in order to spend more time as a family. After all, how difficult is it to pass off supermarket cranberry sauce as your own?
Turning negatives into positives
A mindset is essentially your emotional response to normal daily activities. You can approach life's frustrations with positivity by challenging negative thoughts and improving your outlook on life.
- Awareness - identify your negative thoughts so you are aware of them.
- Focus - quiet your inner critic by focusing on the positive, e.g. when you hear the voice in your head saying how much you can't stand Great Aunt Mildred, think how lucky you are that you are so much nicer than she is.
- Gratitude - keep a log of gratitude. Write down some of the things that you are thankful for a couple of times a week. This will help you remember the positive things in life.
- Positivity - find positivity in challenges. Enjoy the fact that your vegetarian, vegan, tree-hugging cousin is refusing to eat your food. All the more for you!
- Mindset - alter your reactions to life's frustrations. Embrace them, meet them head on and then work around them.
- Relax - it's easy to stress out, take a deep breathe and just be!
- Exercise - don't let the mince pies settle, get out for walks or head to the park for some fresh air.
And, most importantly of all:
- Humour - if you can maintain a sense of humour even in the most dire of situations then you will be able to move positively through the mess that you are in. If it is a truly dire situation, write it down and turn it into a book.
And just remember
Don't forget to surround yourself with positive people and kick-into-touch the negative thinkers. Keep the saying 'radiators not drains' in mind and apply that to yourself as well.
If the above advice does nothing for you then perhaps next Christmas ask the vegetarian, vegan tree-hugging cousin to host it instead; although be mindful to bring your own food.
Happy Christmas!
Penny Chetwynd-Talbot
