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My Family Care asks Anna & Hal: Whether you've acquired step children when you married your partner, or someone's parent has moved into the family home, the definitions of blended families are getting wider. What complications arise? How can you limit feelings of exclusion? What advice would you give on how to have a harmonious relationship with the new members of your family?
One big, happy family
Merging two families who live in the same country has its challenges, but when we decided to take the next step, our families were located in England and New Zealand. Once the physical barriers were removed and we started our life together as one big happy family, we learned a few home truths about ourselves and about how the children would react.
We never imagined it would be easy and we've run into our share of challenges; however, we've never been happier and the children (all the children - we each brought two to the table and added three more!) are carving out their own niches in our blended family.
If we can impart one piece of advice, it's to research. Ask questions and find the answers in advance - the pre-planning has helped us enormously. Here are a few of the things we learned, and are still learning...
Not everyone changes at the same speed
The main complication in having a harmonious relationship between the new members of a family unit is that everyone is changing at various degrees. No two people will come to the situation with the same feelings, and everyone deals with their new situation differently.
Sometimes people fit in seamlessly, and other times they need their space. There are always moments of exasperation and heated tempers, but the key for us was to know when each individual needed space and when they needed hugs.
Life really does go on
A blended family is often a new experience for all those involved - there are family dynamics on both sides that need to be considered, as they don't just stop!
There are past partners and their families who need to be considered, as well as working to integrate your new family. To top this off, the stresses and strains of everyday life continue, unabated.
Listen to your kids
As a parent you often feel you need to impart wisdom onto your children, but this is an instance where we found the kids are the ones that seem to know best. It is never going to be easy; life is not always fair, and there are changes that will have to happen as you go.
As adults, we should remember that, like old dogs, we find it hard to learn new tricks. When this happens and we don't have a map, there is no better solution than eating humble pie in front of your kids and apologising.
If you can't say anything nice...
Do not slag off ex-partners in front of the kids. No matter how tempting, the amount that it may make you feel better is in no way balanced out by the damaging thoughts that the child will have to overcome. Try wherever possible to remember the good things, and when you can't say anything nice - don't say anything at all. You'll all be happier in the long run.
You need to build happy habits
When the kids have to do chores we find they would rather fight, argue, and cause a problem than get the job done! We discovered that turning chores into habits makes life easier.
We explained that the things they were being asked to do were not going away, and wouldn't go away even when they moved out on their own. Be it folding laundry, hanging out washing, setting the table or vacuuming - all these needed to become habitual, and eventually they will do it without thinking... like picking their noses!
Making new family traditions
Traditions and routines are a great way to make everyone feel like more of a unit. We make pancakes every Saturday morning, we call our vehicle 'The Mother Ship', and make a big thing of Halloween.
We have all brought our own traditions, but starting new ones has helped us bond as a family. It is the small, simple stuff that pulls it together - remember, the devil is in the detail.
Communication is a must
Communication between all members of the family is a must; there should be no hidden agendas. Inclusiveness and individualism are important; however, respect should be the crowning glory of all communication as it is directly connected to how we act to those outside the family unit. Our big message has always been, 'you don't have to like each other but you do have to act respectfully.'
We believe that with 'open lines of communication', it becomes clear to all involved that choice is personal; they can either live in a house with discomfort for the rest of their lives, or find the happiness. Either way, it is what they are going to have to do every day for the rest of their lives, so it's probably best to start practising now.
Personalisation and common ground
In some instances it is OK to make it all about them. We found that purchasing keys and a cool key ring for the over 10's was important - it allowed them the feeling of a new start, and gave them an element of control in their environment. We bought personalised water bottles for them - which made them feel more of a team - and we plan lots of excursions together. We also found that having something that was just theirs was important.
Giving them things that were similar also helped them feel included, such as matching duvet sets and toothbrushes for the boys. Whether it is a private box, drawer or place for each of them that everyone knows is off limits - they all have a sense of individuality and personal space in what can otherwise feel like a very communal environment.
Parent together and separately
There are times when you need to both be there - sports events and major achievements - that can mean busy weekends, but it's important that all our children feel that they are just as important to us. But, there are times when we each step back. We don't discipline each other's children, but we do back each other up.
You cannot predict the future
Any presumption towards the future is always slightly off from reality. In fact, as you go along it's easy to believe that life is doing the opposite of what you thought it would, just to put you in your place. But, there is one thing that is certain - something that you can place your faith in - and that is the saying 'this too shall pass...'
Remember it like a mantra and include all family members in the knowledge that the obstacles faced together now are eventually overcome; review them ever so often, because they make all of you stronger as a unit. Remember to include the youngest and the oldest kids in these discussions; in our experience, those two pull the family together when they connect because they were the ones who at the start were most at odds.
Always do your research
We are blessed to have resources like Google at our fingertips. There's so much information out there. Before joining your families, take time out and plan some strategies; read up on solutions that have worked for others. Although you will not need all of them, it is good to have them in reserve.
... And don't forget, enjoy your newly blended family!
Anna & Hal Woolfrey are parents to Lily, Toby, Quin, Louis, Atticus, Sophia, and Otis (who sadly passed away in 2012)
