Laying Down the Law: Blended Families (Part 3)

My Family Care asks Charlotte: Whether you've acquired step children when you married your partner, or someone's parent has moved into the family home, the definitions of blended families are getting wider. What complications arise? How can you limit feelings of exclusion? What advice would you give on how to have a harmonious relationship with the new members of your family?

An increasing trend among families

With 42% of marriages expected to end in divorce* and a high proportion of parents going on to remarry or cohabit with other parents, I come across all types of families in my work as a lawyer and mediator in central London.

My clients are increasingly part of 'blended' families with a new partner and two sets of children from previous marriages or relationships. And if both biological parents have new relationships with partners who themselves have children, the potential for disharmony can be considerable.

So, what matters should a parent or step parent consider before moving in with a new partner and what complications arise from a legal standpoint?

Early planning is key

Before setting up a new home that brings two families together, you need to think carefully about how each of the children will cope with such a big change in their lives. Maintaining a good relationship with your former partner will help hugely as they will also hear first-hand how the children are feeling; although, in my experience, children can be reluctant to say what they really feel, not wanting to let either parent down.

Of course, maintaining an amicable relationship with your former partner is sadly not always possible. But many of my clients dealing with these difficult issues have found mediation with a specialist child mediator or a therapist helpful, and some mediators will also talk to the children themselves.

The key is to always remember to put the children's interests at the forefront of discussions. The more communication there is from the outset, from all involved, and particularly between former partners, the better it is for the whole family.

Juggling each other's diaries

You and your new partner will need to be super organised when it comes to juggling diaries. If both sets of children are going to live with you, whether for shorter contact periods or as their main base, your 'new' family should have frank and ongoing discussions before and after moving in together about each other's expectations.

You need to decide how weekends, holidays and special days (such as Christmas) will work. Sometimes arrangements where all the children visit the other parents at the same time can have the advantage of giving parents some 'child free time'; however, this set-up may also prevent the children having 'family time' without their step brothers or sisters being around.

The arrangements will depend on the children's ages and needs, and the personalities involved, as well as any court orders in existence regulating the children's contact with their other parent. Whatever is agreed, it is important to make arrangements well in advance and stick to them - particularly if one or both of you has a difficult relationship with your former partner.

Of course, all of this is even harder to organise when your previous partner is also now themselves a step parent. A bit like a chain in a property sale and purchase - but far more emotionally challenging - the more individuals involved, the more stressful the arrangements can be.

Legal issues - parental responsibility or guardianship

Parental responsibility (PR) is a legal concept which means all the legal rights and duties that come with being a parent. Step parents don't automatically have PR for their step children, unlike the two biological parents**, although it is possible to acquire it through the courts - including by agreement.

You and your new partner should think about where you would like your respective step children to live if their biological carer parent died. If the other biological parent who has PR is still alive, even if he or she does not have any relationship with the children, the step parent would not automatically have custody of their step children.

A Will can and should be used to appoint guardians for your children. However, any appointment of a guardian - including a step parent - only takes effect if both parents with PR die. Ideally, it's best if both parents can agree to appoint the same guardian to prevent future arguments.

If you strongly believe that your new partner would be the right person to bring up the children in the event of your death (instead of your former partner who is the biological parent), then a separate detailed letter of wishes may help in the event of a dispute in the future. Ideally the step parent should obtain PR through the courts, although this will be difficult without the consent of the other biological parent.

Financial considerations to make

Before setting up home with a new partner, have frank discussions about what each of you would want to happen to your assets (including the home) and income in the event of your separation or death - particularly if you plan to purchase a house together.

To avoid disputes in the future, including potentially with each other's children, both of you should execute a new Will. Many parents who remarry feel it is important to safeguard their children's future inheritance to prevent them from being cut out later down the line.

'Common law marriage' is a myth - if you are not married, your rights are limited if you separate. But, beware, if your partner moves in with you, it is possible they could acquire an interest in your family home unless you explicitly agree otherwise.

Think about the ownership of the property. It is possible to buy a property together but own it in different shares, for example, according to what each of you put in (known as owning as 'tenants in common'). Your share would then pass according to your Will rather than automatically going to your partner.

Consider a prenuptial or cohabitation agreement. This allows you to agree what would happen to your assets in the event of separation. These agreements are increasingly being upheld by the courts, particularly between second marriage couples.

In short, it is worth obtaining legal advice before you move in with your partner.

Charlotte Bradley, Head of Family Team at Kingsley Napley

* According to ONS statistics from February 2014. ** Married parents and unmarried fathers whose name is on the child's birth certificate (since 1 December 2003) automatically have parental responsibility.