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My Family Care asks Mike: We were all children once, and as we grow up we mature and gain responsibility. Some of us will have families of our own and others choose to focus on careers, but at some point in time the relationships we have grown familiar with change. How do you handle transition gracefully? Where do you draw the line, and what help can you seek if you find yourself struggling?
Memorable life events
Certain events in your life stick in your mind, where you were for the millennium, where you met your partner, your wedding day, the birth of your children - all momentous occasions. Thinking back to all of those life events, one in particular sticks out.
My parents had decided to make quite a life-changing decision; they were going to pack in their jobs, sell the house, pool all their savings and immigrate to Canada to start a business and take my two youngest sisters with them.
I was at university at the time and home for the weekend when they dropped the bombshell. As I digested the news, they asked "What do you think we should do? We value your opinion." I was shocked. As a child with one brother and sister of a similar age (my mum was pretty much pregnant for three consecutive years) before later being joined by a further two sisters, we were told in our early years exactly what to do, how to behave, how to eat and so on. And woe betide you if you ever stepped out of line.
They always knew what to do. So it came as somewhat of a surprise that my parents were asking me my opinion about a fairly major life changing event.
What do you think?
As I struggled to come up with an answer and give my opinion (which was never usually a problem), they patiently waited. I came up with what I thought was a balanced view from both sides, with the pro's and con's of either staying or going, and they seemed to take it all on board. Afterwards they said "thanks - that's really helped."
It didn't start smoothly for them, though. Less than 3 months after waving them all goodbye at Heathrow, they still didn't have a business and were living in a tiny two bedroom flat with a container load of furniture from the UK due to arrive in a few weeks, feeling down. They later admitted to thoughts of coming home, thinking they'd made the biggest mistake, wondering if they had been stupid...
Like a dutiful son after hearing of their struggles, I booked a ticket and flew out to see them straight away. They were lonely and unsure, and needed some re-assurance.
Doesn't it normally work the other way? The normal order of things was definitely changing.
The turning point
After a somewhat whirlwind five days, I was back on a plane back to the UK wondering if they would follow but hoping that they would stay - I was sure it would be OK. They didn't come home. They stayed, they survived and eventually had a great time. As I look back on it now, that's when they started asking me more and more what they should do.
I don't mind admitting that I loved the idea that they wanted (no, needed) my advice to help with the running of the two businesses they had; as an opinionated young man, I had plenty to give. Some they took, some they ignored, yet still they asked. I'm not sure if they meant to teach me that lesson. I think that's the way it goes with raising children - you do your best and hope that enough of your lessons and guidance sticks.
Eventually, they sold up; mum returned first to sort things out in the UK and dad stayed to sell the businesses and pack up. Then came the next request..."Would I go to help in in the final part of the sale and help negotiate and then pack things up? I don't think your dad can cope with it all on his own - he's getting old!"
Of course - I had at the time an understanding boss, so I was on a plane to Canada a week later to sell a business and pack up their possessions once again. But the thought of my dad getting old hit home.
A gradual realisation
I'd never really considered it before, but looking at him with fresh eyes I realised, 'yes, he is getting old.' Whereas before everything was a competition, now he was more than happy to defer and not do as much. It all went well and needless to say they are happy back in the UK. But, as my mum would say "if it's not one thing then it's another".
Both have health issues; they manage, but now more than ever they appreciate all the little things we as a family do to help and support them. The little visits, getting some shopping for them, phoning at set times during the week - you get the idea. Skype and FaceTime have been a revelation, allowing my parents to keep up with grandchildren in Canada. As simple as Skype or FaceTime is for us, for them it doesn't make sense, and they often won't try things unless one of us is there, "just in case."
I never really considered myself to be a carer, I always just wanted to do the best I could for my parents and make them proud. Not to mention that coming from a family of 5 siblings anything to get their praise and attention was always a good thing. It usually meant second helpings or even getting out of chores!
Changing lanes with parents
As I write this, I realise that we've switched place in a lot of ways. I tell them more and more what they need to do, and they look to me more and more for guidance. That's not to say that they can't be stubborn, obstinate, moody and illogical in their thinking. They sound like a younger version of me!
In a strange way, being on the other side of the coin, I'm still learning from them and using those lessons to help me in everyday life. I realise what and how much I do for them, and why I'm happy to able to switch place - they are my parents and I love them.
And if they read this - hopefully this will earn some brownie points and I might even get second helpings of desert next time I have dinner at theirs.
Mike Waldon, Sales Manager
