Your Wellbeing: Lasting Change in Work+Family Balance (Part 3)

My Family Care asks Sam: Every year people make resolutions to change something. When it's the balance between work and caring for an elderly relative, how can employees be supported through personal and professional changes that benefit both the employee and the company?

Back to basics in 2013

I don't like New Year resolutions. I am not sure why but I think it's because they are about 'giving up' and 'stopping' which I have come to the conclusion I am not naturally good at. Even when I was younger, if someone told me not to do something I just wanted to do it even more! Perhaps that's why diets don't work for me. I prefer to focus on what I want instead.

So rather than stopping or starting something, I focus on doing something I already do, better. So how can carers of the elderly and their employers work together to support working families?

I am acutely aware as a parent, and latterly a carer for my dad, that I am poor at putting my own needs first. So this year, rather than putting my needs at the bottom of the 'to do' list I wonder how I might encourage my own self-care. To at least put 'me' in the top 50%!

When a door closes, a window opens

In order to make changes, I believe we need to be willing to let go. When reading about a mentoring program for female students at Edinburgh University, I was reminded of the expression "when a door closes, a window opens".

When I thought about it further, I realised that sometimes when you resist change and keep the door and the window open simultaneously you can get a hell of draft ripping through the house. Before you know it doors are slamming all over the place and they aren't always the ones that should be closing, leaving you with a mess to clean up and some serious leg work and energy to fix the damage. And what I've realised is that in all the hustle and bustle your well-being is what gets forgotten.

So I decided this was the year to adapt a few traits and let go of the excess.

Balance at home

Firstly, on the home front, I decided that I didn't need to buy all the presents. Being in control of everything and making all the decisions is exhausting. By delegating these simple choices and tasks it meant I didn't end up in a heap the day my family arrived to be entertained.

There are always things that come up that we wish we had done, but just didn't get to, this year that was writing our Christmas cards. We had the usual conversation about cards and how guilty we felt for receiving and yet not giving. But then we decided to let go of the guilt and start early this year... January 5th to be exact. We took down the old ones and started writing to everyone. No pressure of deadlines, at least not till next December. We have a whole year to get them done and we able to take the time to put a personal message inside each card. We feel very smug if not ever so slightly insane.

Balance at the office

When it comes to an employer I believe things will get done when a safe, secure environment is created for everyone.

A new leadership team, carved out of restructuring and redundancy, cannot be creative until they feel secure. You cannot identify values or create mission statements at an organisational level until the basic needs are fulfilled. Employers need to take the time to understand what other changes may be impacting the lives of their staff. Be it childcare arrangements or the care of an elderly relative or partner - it's hard to focus on the daily grind when your mind is worried about something else.

We cannot focus on our work unless we know our families are safe and well nurtured. And we need to remember that not everyone is going to be vocal when they are struggling. Asking questions of your employees is essential. Some individuals will share willingly while others will keep a stony wall between work and family, it doesn't mean their minds not wandering.

A basic need like having a secure home is all too important. While it is not the responsibility of the employer to provide security at home, just knowing that you have a safe and secure environment in which to discuss your situation can change everything. When you're not sure how to answer a resolve a problem, having someone who is compassionate to speak to can be the difference between a breakdown and a solution. Two brains are better than one when trying to find the best way through a dilemma.

The past and the future

For me 2012 was about closing the door on my relationship with my dad and closing the door on my role as a carer for him. What's behind that door will always be there giving me strength and belief about who I am. Our relationship will always be there and I will never forget what lies behind the door.

Yet I have opened the window which will allow me to move forward with other relationship that may have been side-lined in 2012 - my husband and my mum. Their security and health are utmost in my thoughts now. This means taking time and making time to really listen to them, and help me figure out what will help them feel secure about the future. And then doing the same thing for me. It may not sound exciting or fun but I know if I want to have the energy to do the exciting and fun things in 2013 I need to do the basic stuff first.

So let's keep it simple at home and at work in 2013 and get the basics sorted first.

Sam Pringle, Eldercare Coach, Carer and Mother