Babies Change Friendships

As a new mum there's so much you can read up on about what to expect when you have a baby. What they don't tell you is how much the dynamics of your friendships will change. Personally, I have found this one of the hardest things about becoming a mum. I was prepared for everything else (well, as much as I could be) but this came as a bit of a shock. I also didn't realise how common it was after talking to other mums. I hope this isn't the case for everyone, but this is my experience.

I used to live in London and lived the London life to the max. I had some great friends that I had amazing times with. At least I thought they were great friends. But since I moved back to The Midlands to be closer to my family, and my world revolves around my two gorgeous girls, it now seems I was just their drinking buddy and not as important to them as I thought.

Moving from London and the huge lifestyle change this involved was hard for me as I felt very lonely and isolated at first - something I'm sure many new mums can relate to. But I thought it would be ok as I would have the support from my friends and family.

My best friend barely spoke to me or replied to messages after about four months of having my first child. She certainly didn't ask after my daughter. She had had a miscarriage herself, so I could understand that she was hurting and desperately wanted what I had.

But after my sister was diagnosed with a terminal illness I really thought my friend would be there for me and offer some support. But again, I barely heard from her and when I did it was almost one-word answers and the conversation was one-sided.

Over time I realised how much this upset me and stopped making the effort. She eventually picked up on that and tried to make up for it. She made an effort for a few weeks although her 'effort' always meant me meeting in London two hours away. Then just went back to how they had been.

I had my second child 18 months after my first and it took her several to meet after a lot of cancellations and rearranging.

My second friend in the same friendship circle never wanted children and calls parenting a 'lifestyle choice'. I do understand that some people choose not to have children, but I didn't see her for a year after having my first, even despite numerous invites. When I mentioned it to her, she said "I was too busy breeding", which - even if it was a joke - I found quite hurtful and dismissive. The only messages I get now is if she's seen some gossip on Facebook. I don't even get a "how are you and your family?" or "how is your sister?"

It did really hurt me because I felt like I was being treated as if I was a different person because I'd become a mum. I wanted to scream - I was still the same person but it was just that my priorities had changed and I'd grown up. I felt like they thought I was boring now and had nothing to talk about.

The final nail in the coffin of our friendship came when I met them both for a night out six weeks after I'd had my second child. This was the first time I'd seen them and neither asked how I was or how my daughter was. In my mind, I don't even understand how anyone could do that, let alone two of my 'closest' friends.

I've really struggled with losing these friends and it used to really upset me but now I've come to the realisation that true friends should be there for you no matter what, especially in hard times.

From this huge change in my life, I now know who these people are. So although I've lost these friends, I've gained some new ones and bonded more with others who weren't so close before. I'm so grateful to these people as they've really helped me. Mainly in making me realise I'm not an awful person or mum and not to feel guilty about everything. Kids throw so much at you and  I'm glad I have other friends to message to see if it's normal and to get advice.

What I've also realised is how hard being a mum is and how much of a support network you need. I had no idea, so I would like to apologise to my mum friends who I could have been there for more and help out. I just didn't get it until now.

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