Facts, Not Fiction: The Birds and the Bees (Part 4)

My Family Care asks Jennifer: Having a discussion about the Birds and the Bees with your children can range from downright embarrassing to almost non-existent. But when is it important to have the conversation, what should it include (where can parents find the right information), and how can parents approach it so that it doesn't end in giggles and misinformation?

A sexual education vacation

OK, so if you take your kids of 13 and 10 to Amsterdam for a holiday, they are going to notice some things. With luck they will notice the bikes hurtling round every corner before they get knocked over, and in passing, maybe they will spot some 'ladies' slightly over-dressed, or under-dressed, in shop windows.

And if you really want to go for it, you'll factor in a visit to the Teens Facts Exhibition at the Nemo Science Centre, where you can catch such educational wonders as the 'Let's Talk About Sex: Peepshow', where posters declare:

"Suddenly it's part of your life: Sex. Whether you giggle about it, brag about it or whisper about it, sex is a topic that obsesses teenagers more than any other. It's perfectly natural because it has everything to do with taking the final step towards becoming an adult."

It was a relatively conscious decision to take in this part of Nemo with our 13-year-old lad during our October holiday. He and I went round that, while Dad took our 10-year-old to put on a white coat in the 'science lab': there the questions are more tame, and predictable.

Straight down to business

We found ourselves, then, son and I, standing in front of a large display of mini wooden mannequins, humping and pumping their way through an illustrated range of sexual positions. We also watched the Teen Facts video about the 'out of control' changes young bodies go through: I comically struggled to make any sense of the Dutch version on my headset, while my son smoothly managed to tune in to the English version, complete with its cool accent.

But we both 'got' the cartoon graphics. We giggled where we were meant to, we pointed out some interesting things to each other, queried one or two ideas, and then we moved on: he was absolutely equally as interested in the next section on emotional intelligence and personality as he was in the sexual positions. Perhaps more; after all there were clickable buttons for the EQ quiz and it related directly to his current experience.

And the point of this? Well there is no need to wonder when to talk, or to creep up awkwardly on the topic if you can position yourself in front of a display like this. It moved us forward several steps at once, seemingly effortlessly.

Discussions about sex for the first time

That easier-than-you-might-imagine feel was the same when we had our first talk, perhaps a decade ago now, when he was still quite tiny, yet beautifully thirsty for knowledge, as ever.

He had been asking about babies and all, so my husband and I had figured out what we wanted to pass on - a combination of a kind of nature study and some sharing of values around relationships - and I broached it, as we sat down for some reading time. I took a breath and said my bit, I paused, listened, responded to questions as sincerely as I could while he tried out my knowledge on things like 'what do insects do?' And 'what about worms?'

And then he asked what we would be having for dinner.

Tackled in a level-headed, open-hearted way, it was all very easy and once he'd got a few answers he was right on to the next thing, with equal curiosity.

Jennifer Liston-Smith, Director, Head of Coaching & Consultancy, My Family Care