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David, Father

Involve Older Relatives: Achieve a Stress Free Christmas (Part 1)

David, Father

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My Family Care asks David: The Holidays take an extra toll on our time and energy as we have more visitors, the kids are off school, less people are in the office... But life still goes on. What added pressures are there around the holiday season and how do you manage your work life balance during this period? What suggestions would you give to other working parents?

 

Christmas has not always been the easiest time in our family

The best laid plans for a happy gathering have been spoiled by the obstinate behaviour of some of the older members. At least that is what my wife and her sister felt when their mother, aged 86 announced immediately after Christmas lunch two years ago that she wanted to be taken home.

At this an elderly aunt also started to search for her coat.

There were fifteen of us that Christmas - four generations from great-grandparents to very young. We'd eaten well and were relaxing after lunch, looking forward to our favourite family games.

Now it also happened that my mother-in-law and her sister lived two hours drive away in opposite directions.

At the time we thought they were both being unreasonable and that they had spoiled the occasion.

Later we talked this through and came to the conclusion that it was us who were being unreasonable.

We had talked to other friends with elderly members of the family who needed care and attention. Some were visiting parents daily, ohers telephoning regularly and being at the ready to provide support when needed.

What should we consider?

Together we looked at all the things we should recognise so we could make it easier for our older relatives to enjoy family parties.

  1. Elderly people living on their own usually have a very regular lifestyle. Meals and bed-time at usual times.
  2. They are comfortable in their own homes, and the heating is usually turned up high.
  3. Their own beds are where they sleep best.
  4. They can be upset by noise.
  5. If you are hard of hearing it's difficult to pick up single voices when everyone seems to talk at once.
  6. Everyone seems to rush. This can be unsettling.
  7. While thoroughly enjoying the chance to be with all the family just thinking about seeing everyone at Christmas can be exhausting.

At the next opportunity we talked this through with my mother-in-law. We agreed that we had always jumped to the idea that she would want to stay for Christmas, and feel left out if she didn't.

We assumed she would want to join in the fun.

She said she was greatly relieved that we had understood how she felt as she didn't want to raise the delicate subject herself. We agreed that in future we would plan to make everything as easy for her as possible. Last year we all visited her, on different occasions around Christmas, taking food with us so she didn't have to worry. She even shared Christmas lunch with neighbours in her sheltered flat and said she was entirely happy to do this. We missed her on Christmas day, but some straight talking brought an unusual, but entirely realistic, answer which suited everyone.

David, Eldercare Consultant, Father and Child

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HR and diversity professionals.