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Mum Jenni + Son Bradley

Just Be Honest: Coexisting with a Teenager (Part 4)

Mum Jenni + Son Bradley

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My Family Care asks Jenni and Bradley: Being a teenager can often make it hard to see eye to eye with your parents, whilst parents living with teens can often feel like they're failing to make a proper connection. What advice do you have for parents/teens on how to avoid major conflicts, set realistic boundaries and make home life easier?

 

Mum Jenni replies

A recent conversation

Son: "Mum, I didn't do the audition song in the way we practised it. I just kinda stood there."

Mum: "So why did we bother preparing it at all then?"

Son: (shrugs, turns away) "Dunno."

This was one of my recent low points. Fairly minor in the scheme of things, but I failed in that moment to be the mum I imagine myself to be.

Seeing ourselves react when we should respond

Bradley, at 14½, is a talented singer and actor, and one of my genuine joys is working with him, and indeed our other son, to prepare things like this. He and I had spent some really happy time working on how he would sing "Young Ones" to audition for a part in the local Youth Theatre's summer musical. Then in the moment when he turned to me to tell me how it went, two things were wrong about my reaction.

Firstly, I was acting directly out of my own nervousness for him on the audition day. I was worried by what he reported: had he missed his chance? Just useless noise in my head: why couldn't I rise above that?

Secondly, I was implying that the preparation was somehow a cost to me and not worth it if he didn't use it exactly as we planned. So wrong, because we'd had a great time and my unconditional love should mean that he is free to build on that support as he chooses.

Immediately I felt bad. But he got a recall anyway: even standing still, he has a lovely voice. I congratulated him and moved on, outwardly. But several days later I managed to ask him to tell me a bit more about how that audition had gone. It turns out things had gone oddly with the sound system and he had been confused, then just gone with it, less than happy with the outcome. He had turned to me to get it off his chest.

And my reaction made him look like an uncooperative teenager.

Working on ourselves

Whatever advice we give around parenting teens, whatever boundaries we set as parents - no phones at the table, guidelines on screen time, what time to come home - are nothing if not underpinned by an honest awareness, and commitment, to working on how we are as people.

When our boys were little and went to a Montessori School, a choice for a child-led education, I was really struck that the main preparation for a Montessori 'director' is work on oneself: how to get out of the children's way, and to allow their own growth, simply directing their attention to things that would help them.

The ultimate leadership programme

In our Maternity Coaching work, I often talk about parenting as a leadership development programme. Such accelerated growth takes place when you have a child. True, you might not sign up if a glossy brochure announced that the first module involves middle-of-the-night exercises in resilience and problem-solving while coated in sick, or poo, and to a backdrop of emotion-jangling wailing.

And you're just about in recovery a decade later when the advanced module kicks in. It targets all your most well-concealed failings with one grueling role play after another, and - rushed, tired, ill-informed and unprepared - you fall into the traps. You hear worrying stuff, delivered in a clumsy, gruff way - because their brain is too busy developing neurologically to be empathic. It's simple, you panic and say regrettable stuff.

Owning up

You look authoritative as a parent, so you - and your listener - take you seriously!

But you still don't know the answers. When are they actually old enough to go into town alone? Is it OK to speak to you in that tone, or to bash their brother around in 'play fights' like that? Or to spend seemingly hours on YouTube watching other people's misfortune in bad X Factor auditions? Does everyone else in their class really have an iPhone 6 and a weekly allowance of £100? Frankly, you just don't know.

But like any authentic leadership programme, the teen module shows us we'd better just see and accept who we are, first of all. Notice what we're actually doing, when we're messing up, and try to listen with some real honesty and interest to the other person. Then we can admit what we don't know and try to find out some answers together.

Parenting might just be something we do with our kids as they grow into teens, not something we do to them.

Jenni, Mum and Maternity Coach

 

Jenni's son Bradley replies

Continuity, please

Parenting teens, shouldn't be that difficult because, I'm pretty sure, that all adults were teens once. Yet sometimes, you can find it difficult to see eye to eye and understand us. So here's my advice.

Firstly, don't blame us for something that another sibling has done, or don't take a more severe approach to the older brother - in my case - if they do something similar to the younger one. Now, I know what you're all saying, the older children should know better; but usually, we're just having fun and know what we're doing is annoying.

We don't mind being told off, we just want the younger members of the family to receive the same treatment and take some responsibility for their part in it - they usually start it! But, at the same time, we don't want to lose our status as the older person; we usually know if we've gone too far!

Admit when you're wrong

We've all had those arguments when, half way through you think, what is this even about? Yet, you stand your ground, thinking that as the parent, you're always right. Actually, back down if you can see we're right, or at least have justification for being wrong. If you do this, your teen should do the same back. Setting a good example is the best thing you can do.

Give us some space

I know it sounds cliché, but sometimes, we want to spend some time alone, left to our own devices - usually phones and iPads. But if you want to spend some time together to go on a walk or involve us in helping around the house, sell the positives, tell us about what sort of fun we'll have; but be sincere, don't be patronising. In the case of housework, tell us it'll be really helpful, and mentor us, teach us how to do a good job and it might be more involving.

Give us a bit of a lead in, we don't like to be rushed. And definitely don't tell us that we're going; full stop. It will take the fun out of the activity completely.

Allow us some privacy

Don't look over our shoulders when we're texting; we need to have our own private conversations with friends. I'm sure you wouldn't like it if we were there every time you were chatting with yours! Also, don't interrogate us about the school day, I know it's a little thing but if we don't tell you we had maths third lesson, it really doesn't matter.

From the age of 13, back off increasingly. We need more freedom as we grow up. But don't disappear completely; we sometimes need support and space to talk. Respect the moment though; don't pry if your teen doesn't want to talk at that particular time. They will talk when they are ready.

As older friends have told me, if you as parents respect our privacy and space, we will value your company and want to spend more time with you. Apparently when we get to around 17 and start to get ready to leave home, we realise how much you mean to us.

Bradley, Aged 14 ½

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