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My Family Care asks Louise: Being a teenager can often make it hard to see eye to eye with your parents, whilst parents living with teens can often feel like they're failing to make a proper connection. What advice do you have for parents/teens on how to avoid major conflicts, set realistic boundaries and make home life easier?
Looking back
Psychotherapist Louise Shuttleworth decided to look at this question a little differently. She's been a teen and now helps parents understand teenage behaviour on a regular basis.
She decided to retrospectively write a letter to her parents based on the knowledge she's gained as an adult.
Mum, Dad,
I would like 20 minutes of your active presence - that means looking at me and really attuning to what I am saying without reacting to what I say.
If I am still angry and talking about it, I'm not calm. I suggest you come back in 20 minutes and hopefully I will have put into place some skills to self-regulate, or at least had time to think.
One of those skills is breathing. In for 2, out for 3 and hold for 1. This triggers and relaxes my nervous system. If I need longer, let me go for a walk or listen to music.
I agree that sometimes I push the boundaries. I don't mind bearing the consequences when I do, but make it a suitable fit and ensure it happens the same day. Please don't punish me at a later date, as I am likely to feel shamed and distrustful of you in the future. As much as I don't always like to admit it, I do like a bit of consistency around the house. But can you be clear from the get go on the rules of the house so there's no confusion later?
When I do push the boundaries, can you please ensure the consequences fit the "crime", i.e. they are not punitive as, again, I am unlikely to trust you if the punishment is too unrealistic.
I really like to be nurtured and encouraged too, so can you remember to praise me as well? I am a teen and my brain is changing a lot, so I'm not going to act like an adult, but give me time... I'm learning.
Finally it's your responsibility to repair breakdowns, not mine. After all, you've been in my shoes, I haven't been in yours. You will know when things are okay, as it will feel like ice MELTING...
Thanks Mum and Dad
Louise Shuttleworth, Psychotherapist