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Mum Maxine + Son Drew

Know When You're Needed: Coexisting with a Teenager (Part 2)

Mum Maxine + Son Drew

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My Family Care asks Maxine and Drew: Being a teenager can often make it hard to see eye to eye with your parents, whilst parents living with teens can often feel like they're failing to make a proper connection. What advice do you have for parents/teens on how to avoid major conflicts, set realistic boundaries and make home life easier?

 

Mum Maxine replies

Let the battles begin

Having spent the weekend with my two children, aged 24 and 13, on my own - with their father away - it gave me some time to reflect on the battles I have faced and am likely to face again as a parent of a teen.

At the beginning of the weekend, I did wonder what moods they would be in as there was only one of me - fortunately, extremely helpful moods as it turns out.

Looking back

I reflect on them as they have been: those beautiful babies that I immediately loved unconditionally, evolving into the cheeky but cute toddler, the start of school (still cute but growing up so quickly before your eyes).

Suddenly year 6 arrives, the pressures of SATs emerge - but they still need your support, and even more importantly they need you to listen. Year 7 starts - you have a mild heart attack - but they are fine and you become less interesting; holidays with you are less exciting and the communication becomes as difficult as trying to order food in a foreign language where 'hello' is the only word you know.

Transformation

For me, the key has to be: knowing your child. Our first child transformed overnight (into a demon at times). The battles came quickly and could leaves us disarmed, needing us to take in it turns to decipher what she wanted. It became apparent that this was the new her and as long as she was safe we would need to back off. We had to trust that she was dealing with the changes in life and hope that she had learned that we would be there if she needed us.

We spoke to each other on many occasions as to how we could tackle the Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde character that had moved into our child's room. Each morning we would wait to see who would emerge, it became a learning curve for us all.

Communication was fundamental, however at the right time and place. The good cop bad cop routine worked - her dad was often the good cop. I am still trying to work out if that's because she was 'Daddy's Girl', but for her it worked. And then, just when we thought we had got this mastered, relationships became problematic: best friends, all-girls school (her choice) and then boyfriends. I became the mum and the person to talk to - well, most of the time. As parents we learnt that there is a time and a place for us, don't take it personally.

A different kettle of fish

Unusually, we waited 11 years to have the second child and thought this would be a breeze - of course it would, been there, done that, and got the young adult mostly intact to prove it. However, what we didn't bank on was a child with a completely different personality. We now have a child who never stops speaking, and nothing seems to faze him.

So how do you tackle this teenager? Pretty much in the same way, get to know him! With an eleven year gap, we have faced many changes and TECHNOLOGY has been the biggest: the mobile phone debate, the Xbox, Facebook and Instagram. How we have tackled this is to stick to the rules. If it has an age limit, we adhere - we learnt the first time around that if you say you are going to do something, you must stick to it. With our son, this seems to work - he's learned the rules and we all follow them.

Roll with it

As parents, we all have moments where we think...nobody told me it would be quite like this. We've opened up our home to little people, who year on year transform it, either through the décor - my poor skirting boards - to the moments where it feels like the 2015 election debates. Regardless, what has got us through has been knowing each other and respecting boundaries.

Maxine, Mum of Two

 

Maxine's son Drew (13) replies

I'm young, but not a baby

When it comes to my parents, they can be so annoying at times. No, actually, all of the time. I find that even when I'm in the best mood, they seem to ruin it with something stupid. They want me to do this or do that - sometimes I just want to do nothing!

And then there is that whole invading your personal space thing. It's not like I'm planning on doing something dangerous or stupid like climbing Big Ben wearing no clothes. But the way they go on, you would seriously think that I'm always up to no good. The truth is, half the time I just want to be left alone, I want to be able do my own stuff without being treated like a child, and avoid being in trouble.

No sixth sense

Have you ever noticed that you're always in trouble when you haven't even planned to do anything to get you into trouble? It's like they have this crazy sense that lets them know your every move even before you've done it.

So parents, I feel it is my duty to let you know how to behave, since you're always making sure we are.

Listen up

That's the first rule to this teenager / parent thing. You need to start listening to what I want, when I want and how I want. Ok, that makes us sound like children but this is what I mean. There is nothing worse than being accused of something I haven't done and I'm sure the rest of the teens out there would agree.

There have been a ridiculous amount of times that I've been sat down and asked if I have done something and despite being honest and saying "I have", I'm still lying because they want proof. It's one of the biggest issues ever. Trust what I say when I say it. That doesn't mean I won't lie about silly things because I don't want you knowing what I do 24/7, but if it's serious I'll be as honest as I can.

Back off sometimes

Secondly, if we are in a mood and are angry, just back off. You know when you're at work and then come home to tell us about your boss who was just grinding at you all day? Well that's you to me.

Sometimes I just stomp up the stairs, shut the door, and sulk and moan to myself. It doesn't help when your head pops round the door to be nice and then you end up yelling when I'm trying to get you to go away. Oh my, it's about LISTENING and RECOGNISING!

Has the light bulb gone on?

That's what I would say to the majority of you anxious parents out there trying to deal with us teenagers. Remember your road crossing skills: Stop, Look and Listen. Just as the road is filled with crazy drivers, we are filled with crazy emotions and thoughts. Stop before you act and do something stupid, look at what's going on for me and how I feel, and listen to how I'm speaking and what I have to say.

There is no doubt that this simple rule is exactly what we teenagers need the majority of the time, and there's no doubt that if you do it, you'll get some peaceful results.

Drew, Aged 13

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