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My Family Care asks Linda and Molly: Being a teenager can often make it hard to see eye to eye with your parents, whilst parents living with teens can often feel like they're failing to make a proper connection. What advice do you have for parents/teens on how to avoid major conflicts, set realistic boundaries and make home life easier?
Mum Linda replies
They grow up so quickly
It hardly seems possible. The small person, who has been so desperate to be with you, is suddenly so desperate to be independent of you! As the mother of two teenagers, just 21 months apart in age, and one school year, this transition as a parent has been marked!
'Small children-small problems; big children-big problems' is a phrase that I often use when parents of little ones ask how it is to be a parent of teenagers. It's a transition that carries with it a change in role for the parents, and understanding this change in role can be really key to the success of this transition.
As the parent of a pre-teenage child we are used to controlling and managing the content and detail of our child's life. Our role is akin to being a manager. We plan, arrange, advise, perhaps even dictate. This works for everyone; the youngsters comply as we take responsibility.
A new position
So how do we switch into a different role as our child matures? We are no longer welcome as a manager in our child's life. We need to allow him (and I shall use "him" for the sake of brevity but mean "him or her") the room to grow to independence and to learn responsibility, but at the same time we need to provide support and advice at appropriate times. We move from being a manager to being a consultant. A consultant is there in the background to offer help, support, advice and wisdom when needed, but does not interfere in the daily routine unless invited.
By accepting that my role has changed to that of a consultant in my children's lives, I hope that I have made this transition successfully.
Choose your moments
There will be challenges, and rows, but I have learned to pick my fights. Annoying as it may be to pick towels up off the bedroom or bathroom floor on a daily basis, so many other bigger issues will arise. So, whilst I do not condone laziness, I save my wrath for those bigger issues, otherwise I know that there would be a constant row in our house!
Another recommendation is always making time to talk to your teenager when he wants to chat, day or night. Teenagers generally come alive post 10pm in my experience. So whilst I am ready for a good night's sleep, if my teenager decides to engage in conversation as I am snuggling down under my duvet, I will never turn him away. Don't necessarily expect an open outpouring to the same extent that you had when he was at primary school, but never dismiss him when he shows signs of wanting to chat. Keeping open lines of communication are vital with a teenager.
Similarly, I would always encourage my kids to invite friends over to our house. I'm not talking wild parties here but for an evening or after an evening out to stay over. It's good to meet the people with whom they are socialising and I really want them to feel that home is a good place to be and that their friends are always welcome.
Understanding each other is key
Finally, my biggest challenge so far has been "negotiation". My teenager wants to be out socialising on a Saturday night until late. I am anxious about this. He needs to understand that I am not a killjoy but that I am concerned about his welfare. I need to understand that he is a young adult and lots of his friends are going out and he wants and needs to be a part of this.
There needs to be compromise, trust and respect on both sides. We agree that he can go but that he must text me to confirm where he has gone so that I know where he is if there is a problem. He must then come in to let me know that he is home safely so that I can sleep properly!
There are no rules or perfect solutions to being the parent of a teenager and managing the complexities and conflicts, but I find that these principles certainly stand me in good stead.
Linda's daughter Molly (15) replies
The right amount of interest
In order to help our relationship to work, parents need to respect our privacy. Don't meddle too much and if we don't want to tell you what's going on in our personal lives, you need to accept that. If we don't want to tell you anything more than we already have, then don't keep on prying.
But we do want you to show an interest in our lives. It is good to show that you are interested otherwise it looks as though you don't care. So it is about finding the right balance between being interested and being nosey.
Be accepting of the relationships that we have. Don't judge our friends until you know them. We are friends with them for a reason and so trust us on this. But, if you do see something wrong with a friend, point it out to us but make sure you do so diplomatically.
Almost adults
Don't treat us like 5 year olds. This frustrates us. Don't speak to us in the tone of voice that you would have when we were toddlers. Trust that we are capable of doing things alone. Accept that we will not be babies for ever and that we are not keen to enter into an arranged marriage with the child of a friend of yours that we have known since we were 5 years old!!
We need to make mistakes
Allow us a bit of freedom so that we don't feel restricted; otherwise we won't learn for the future. There needs to be a balance. Allow us the freedom to try things. So for example, allow us to go to parties; not necessarily every weekend but sometimes. But don't allow too much of this or we might lose focus on other things like work.
In order to cope with any arguments that we may have, allow us some space afterwards. Conflict with my parents is quite rare because my parents don't push the boundaries too much.
Molly, Aged 15
