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My Family Care asks Justin: How do you and your partner address the workload at home? Is the split even? Do you re-visit the conversation or does it end up a taboo subject?
Who does what?
I love cooking. I am never happier than when I have a couple of hours to create something special for a dinner with friends. Cooking is not a chore for me. But ironing? That is my very definition of a domestic chore. It is top of my list of "things I don't like" along with cleaning toilets and choosing curtains. I would rather cook every night for a week than do the ironing - and, that is exactly what I do.
I also do school runs, take children to drama clubs, cadets, guides, football - pretty much anything that happens after 5pm. After a lot of trial and error, we have created a balance of domestic chores in our house that works for us.
My wife does the shopping, washing, ironing, cleaning - the list goes on. Some things she enjoys, others she doesn't. And it's the same for me. The point is, we both feel we contribute equally to the domestic workload.
How did we get there?
I'd like to say that we sat down and planned it all, but actually, circumstances really brought us to this point of equilibrium. For many years I was the only breadwinner, so the bulk of the housework - including looking after three young children - fell to her. Then we were both working again and somehow things got done.
About five years ago, my wife had a change in career that meant she was going to be working 10 hours a day, 7 days a week, for 12 months. So it was my turn to do everything at home. We sat down, talked it though, and figured out how we could make it work. And it did.
Four years later, we both work flexibly, and have our domestic responsibilities. And flexibility is the key. Every Sunday we check our family diary to see how the week is mapped out. Sometimes we need to arrange lift shares with friends, other times we just accept some things aren't going to get done. And that's ok too.
Good enough is good enough!
What the research tells us
In 2015, the Ohio State University surveyed dual-career families to understand how domestic chores are split before and after a new baby. They found that when a baby was 9 month old, both parents believed their responsibilities at home increased equally. However, their diaries told a different story. An analysis showed that while the women's workload had increased by 2 hours each day, the men's had changed by just 40 minutes.
Can this be true? Were dads really spending just 40 minutes a day with their new baby? In fact, it turns out that dads were spending lots of time with their baby - it was the domestic chores that they were skimping on.
Cutting back on house work when a new baby arrives can be a good thing - you have other priorities now. But what surprised me is that the men didn't think they had. They really believed they were still sharing responsibilities equally.
Time for a reality check, dads!
Changes will come
When you have a new baby, it takes time to build a family routine - usually several months. And when you have found a routine that works, there is one thing you can be sure of - things will change.
Some changes can be planned for, like when the primary carer returns to work, whilst others come out of the blue - perhaps a new project assignment that needs a weekly commute, or a family member moving in with you. The good news is that you will manage. But you will need to regroup, think through your options, and, most importantly, talk it out.
Like in the Ohio research, a daily diary can help you map out a responsibility pie chart for both of you. This gives you a realistic picture of who does what and how much time it takes. By talking this through together, you can ensure you are both happy and there is no resentment. And importantly, agreements are based on reality, not perceptions.
Justin McCarthy, Director, Saxon Coaching
