Newsletter Sign Up
Regular work+family updates for
HR and diversity professionals.
My Family Care asks Steve: We all have identities that change as we get older and life happens. As your family changes, your identy does too. How do you juggle your work/home personality, especially as your family changes?
Looking in the mirror
One of the common observations people have made to me, as I've been developing the Midlife Men project, is that they look in the mirror and don't like what they see. This isn't just a question of the physical ravages of time - the few extra pounds, the slowly-thinning hair - it's a more fundamental question of identity.
"I am a hard-working professional, and a fully-engaged dad," one of my interviewees told me. "It's just that I don't feel I do either of those things particularly well, and - though I feel guilty for saying it - I feel there should be more to me than just worker and dad."
Particularly in the late-30s and early-40s, when earning capacity is peaking at the same time as domestic responsibilities crowd in, it's common to get the sneaking feeling that one's real self somehow got lost along the way.
Just work and keep your head down...
On the one hand, there's your work persona. Whilst on the surface you appear successful, underneath, your appetite for playing the game of organizational snakes and ladders may have diminished. Indeed, Simon Kuper, the Financial Times journalist, told me that this is a well-established identity for workers of a certain age: it's known as "leaning out", a tongue-in-cheek counterpoint to Sheryl Sandberg's bestselling book 'Lean In'.
The "lean out" work identity is about getting by, doing the minimum, hoping you don't get picked for that new assignment or that three week trip abroad. It's not being workshy; it's just that the various commitments crowding in on you are so great that something's gotta give - and that something is often workplace ambition.
What about family life?
On the other hand, there is family life. It's the kids we're doing the 6.30am, sardine can ride into London Bridge for every day, right? It's the thought of that warm, nurturing environment that keeps us going through the drudge of another workday. Why, then, is family life so often fraught and fractious?
We find ourselves shouting incessantly at the kids, moaning about the in-laws and doing the mental arithmetic about whether a divorce is do-able. And there's always that nagging thought in the back of our minds, as we're reading the children the bedtime story - I really should be finishing the spreadsheet that I've got to get out tomorrow.
Mid-life identity crisis
If any of this sounds familiar, you are suffering a mid-life identity crisis. It's common, painful... and curable. Here are three ways to begin feeling more comfortable in your own skin:
1. Rediscover the third identity - you
In the daily tug of war between work and family, it's easy to completely overlook the need for an identity that isn't defined by either of these things. We can best revive our work and home mojo by getting back in touch with whatever used to bring us joy in the days before kids and deadlines. Think about what you were into in your 20s. Pick up that guitar again. Dust down the tennis racket. Start reminding yourself of who you really are.
2. Have a grown-up conversation with your boss
Instead of sitting in that sweaty railway carriage at the end of the day, festering over the injustices of being a wage slave, why don't you book half an hour in your boss's diary and talk honestly and openly about what you want from your career.
Whether it's a day working from home, or a three month sabbatical, ask for it. You are a more valuable asset than you realise. Your experience and skill count for something. A reasonable employer will listen to you - and maybe give you what you want.
3. Ditch the victim mentality and make some choices
We often characterise ourselves as helpless victims of the big hairy monster, time. "I don't have the time" "There isn't enough time" "Where did the time go?" In fact, we still have the same 168 hours in a week we always had. It's how we choose to spend them that counts.
Prioritise what matters to you and get better at saying no to people. That's the best time management - and life enhancement - advice I've ever been given, and, if implemented, will help you recover an identity you can be comfortable with.
Steve Pearce, Host of Midlife Men
